It's exactly 9:14 A.M and I have not slept since about 11 P.M last night. I didn't even notice as clock time flew by. I stayed up chatting about babies, hospitals, immunization and alternative medicine.
Anytime I get both babies to sleep in the afternoon, I do a little victory dance. I feel like a fucking goddess. It is tough and hard work to have both of them needing my attention while I pursue the many other interests that make up my life. Today, I have been thinking about continuing the book, Gateless Gatecrashers by Liberation unleashed.
The first time I realized I may not like my mother was when I was a young adult, probably about 22. I don't remember the details of what happened but I decided I didn't like her and I didn't want anything to do with her. Unfortunately for me at the time, I didn't have any money or guts to leave. I stayed in the same house with her and saw her everyday.
The reason I love hotels is because it is always neat and there is no space for clutter. I love huge spaces, white walls, well laid beds, clean tables and clear mirrors. I like things being in their place. I don't like to see dirty dustbins in a room, I like the floor clean at all times. When I write, I love to sit in a clean clear space, I feel like my ideas flow better that way.
Since I moved past my mummying guilt, I have been able to engage my kids more and see them fully. I also have had to brace up since the Nanny quit unexpectedly. I should thank her. I forgot I was capable of the things I have been doing lately. I somehow felt it was impossible to cater to a baby let alone two, unassisted.
The Nanny left suddenly. A few days before then, I was thinking about how much her being here made things easier for me with the babies but it was also tiring saying the same shit over and over again. After she left, I found new strength. I remembered I like the bathroom washed a certan way.
As a being big on energy, sometimes I need to hide to refuel. Decided to leave social media for a few days to recharge my batteries. What I first noticed after I deleted Facebook, instagram and Whatsapp apps was a lightness. Like I removed some heavy object that was sitting in my consciousness. I don't know what that means but I know it felt god.
I am learning that fear shows up on differnet levels. It is not enough to overcome fear once and be done with it. We can learn though, to do it afraid.
As I prepare for my first boook reading and signing event, I feel the knots in my tummy. I have felt this way before. The good thing is, the knots can no longer stop me. In fact, they remind me I am on track.
I like calling her "mumprenuer" because the name has such a cool concept and I love it.
I have been a bit off with the change in weather and the last thing I felt like doing was write. Today Mofolusade sent me a review of my book and it reminded me that Naked is finding the people who need to read it. Below is what she wrote.
I released my first book a few weeks ago. It’s titled “Naked – A journey to self.” It is a memoir of my journey from sleepwalking to awakening. On the BOOK tab, you can read what people are saying about it.