Since I moved past my mummying guilt, I have been able to engage my kids more and see them fully. I also have had to brace up since the Nanny quit unexpectedly. I should thank her. I forgot I was capable of the things I have been doing lately. I somehow felt it was impossible to cater to a baby let alone two, unassisted. I bought the limiting belief that we mummies need a house help or we would not be able to cope. This narative was sang in my ears so much, I swallowed it and started living it. But it never felt complete, it never felt right to me. Even the schooling bit started to feel forced after Boobgirl arrived earthside. What I am doing now is going back to what feels right for me and sharing from that place so other mummies who have this 'struggle' can get some confort in the fact that they aren't alone.
Last night Babies woke up crying, both needing different things. Boobgirl wanted to nurse and Boobman wanted to "enter back" in his words. After allowiung the feeling of overwhelm go through me, I decided to nurse Boobgirl and negotiate with Boobman. He has this thing he does where he coughs up his food to get attention. He did that last night and I let him. When I had nursed Boobgirl back to sleep, I gave him a hot bath, made him some tea and put him in bed. He insisted he wanted me to lay with him and I did until he fell asleep. When they were both sleeping, I got up and rolled out my mat to stretch. This was about 2:30 A.M. I caught my body in the mirror. I remember thinking how my "work" of mummying is valid. I remember allowing the feelings of overwhelm rise and fall. I remember feeling my feet, my arms, my belly. I remember being thankful that I had that time to just be with me.
Boobgirl is rolling over, sitting and playing. I didn't have to 'train' her to do that. It's just happening. I have blurry memories of this time with Booobman. It's interesting to observe. Boobman on the other hand is beginning to insist in what he wants to wear and what he wont eat. He also helps me with pampers, wipes, water for Kayla and so on. He loves helping. As much as he loves trying to do stuff himself. He has finally learned how to take his shirt off. For a long time it was only his trousers he could remove. Now, amidst plenty struggles, he'd say "let me help Kendrick." I think it's cute and I am enjoying witnessing all these changes.
I need to fix my camcoder so I can trap these memories and they can enjoy it later. This morning I feel gratitude rising for all the many experiences I have going on in my space. It is currently 9:30 A.M, let's see what the day holds.